You want to put that chirping bit in?
Can we try it?
-Hi, parrot, I'm home. -I need to have a word with you.
-Hello. -Hello.
-We're Sparks. I'm Yamashita. -I'm Tokunaga.
I'm Kisarazu Rouge's Mochizuki.
I'm Iper.
Which agency are you with?
Hyuga Agency.
-Hyuga Agency. -"Hyuga Agency"?
-Who's there? -Tokuma Nishioka.
Sparks, you're up next.
-Hello. -Hello.
-We're Sparks. I'm Yamashita. -I'm Tokunaga.
Nice to meet you.
But this guy's different...
-They're killing it. -They said the crowd was tough.
Hello!
I've had enough. Thank you.
Thank you.
I think we did okay.
It didn't go down so well.
I think...
It's not...
Maybe the first joke is a little weak.
And maybe the number of jokes...
Maybe we could have a few more.
-Where's this coming from? -I watched the others.
It seemed like we had less jokes than the others.
You don't write our material.
What is this?
No...
I mean...
It was a suggestion. Compared to the other acts--
Are you gonna write?
-Hello! -Hello!
May we introduce ourselves?
Which of you write your acts?
It's a joint process. During rehearsals.
-Okay. Thank you. -See you around.
How could you say that?
I write our acts.
But I'm there for you. We create them together.
FALL, 2001
Of course. I saw you.
I liked your act today, but...
-It doesn't suit you. -You like it, but you don't?
It was funny, but....
HARMONICA ALLEY
HIBANA - Spark -
It's definitely Golgo.
Golgo 13.
No.
I believe it's someone suicidal.
Are you an idiot?
All you need is a magician, a muscleman and Golgo.
You could commit the perfect crime.
The comic-book sniper Golgo hardly fails.
However...
You would leave a trail paying his incredible fee.
That can't be helped.
Incredible fees are part of the Golgo package.
If you have someone suicidal:
One side wants to kill. The other wants to be killed.
Everyone has common interests.
The victim would even help you.
That's not the point.
The question was--
Here's your dick tempura.
Thanks.
The question was: "If you had a magician and a muscleman,
what other specialist would you need to commit the perfect murder?"
I mean, what are suicidal people specialists at?
But if you had Golgo,
you wouldn't need the other two anyway.
Well, if you knew someone suicidal,
your first priority should be to talk them out of it.
Are you bringing morality into a debate about the perfect crime?
I wonder.
Okay, fine!
If I find someone trying to commit the perfect murder,
I'll talk them out of it.
-It's definitely Golgo. -I've had enough.
How many dick tempura did you order?
Dick tempura, please.
-Just one? -We still have some.
Hang on.
I need a break.
I'm stuffed.
My place is close. Why not come over?
I need to puke so bad,
I'd vomit five times more than someone on a boat of the toughest guy in town.
That was a poor attempt at a joke.
You worry me.
You need more training.
How do you kill time until the first train comes?
-I catch a taxi-- -I know already!
You don't have the money to catch a taxi.
Too true.
When I have spare change, I go to a manga café.
When I don't, there are benches.
I just spend the time there.
That's a shame. My guess was way off target.
In my worst case scenario:
You enjoyed a campfire with passerby goblins.
That's too crazy.
You're...
You're drunk. Come to my place.
-No, I'll be fine. -Come on.
-I said, "No." -Come!
I don't want to go...
-No! -Ouch!
What was that for?
That hurt.
It really hurts.
I broke something.
Ouch.
That got my head spinning. Now I'm drunk.
Now I'm really drunk.
Now I'm...
I'm spinning all over the place.
I said, "Come"!
That hurt!
Why did you kick me?!
Don't get angry!
You're drunk, and I'm worried about you.
Why do you kick people you're worried about?!
-Don't get angry. -I don't get it.
Come to my place. Okay?
Great job, sir!
Well done.
He laughed.
What's he doing?
He's stepping on something.
He's having a fight with earth.
It's not your problem!
That was my bag. You missed me.
Missed?
I don't feel good.
Dick tempura. Definitely dick tempura.
Be careful.
How far is it?
We're not in Kichijoji anymore.
Don't say that. You make me sad.
What's this?
Why are you saying "normal" things?
Don't get angry.
Stop saying "normal" things with a "normal" look on your face.
-What? -You know what.
-What? -Stop saying, "What?"
When you say normal things with a normal face,
I know it's a joke.
But nobody else will get it.
Stop saying that.
If it's funny when you say something "normal,"
your real idea of "normal" must be "insane."
You shouldn't say bad things about people, okay?
Watch out!
Are you okay?!
-What? -I don't know!
I don't know if you really fell, or if you're still kidding.
-What? -Don't play cute.
Stop it, please.
I think you really fell over, but pretended it was a joke
because it was embarrassing, right?
Permission to vomit?
If you go to work in the morning and find vomit on the street, it's not nice, right?
Don't do things you don't want done unto you.
You're saying "normal" things again.
I lose.
You're puking.
Hello?
You were asleep!
Yeah.
I'll be back with Tokunaga soon.
Yeah. Bye.
The train headed for Shinjuku will soon be arriving on platform three.
This is way further than your average walk.
Here it is.
Why did you spin around?
Good morning.
Morning.
Tokunaga.
I'm Maki.
Nice to meet you. I'm Tokunaga.
Hi there.
This is a bit sudden. The room's a mess.
It's okay.
Don't worry.
Come on.
Hey.
Give Tokunaga some water!
Not so loud. It's still early.
The people downstairs will complain.
Sorry.
Come on in!
Be our guest.
Excuse me.
Come on. Leave it.
-Don't be polite. -I'll grab your bag.
Thank you.
Tokunaga.
-This way. -Go to sleep!
And your water.
Here you go.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Drink it. Hurry up.
Drink it all.
It's yours.
Go to sleep.
I'm going to the store. Need anything?
No, thanks.
-Let's go. -I'm sorry.
Aren't you cold?
I'll be okay.
I'm drunk and hot. Wear this.
Thanks. You're not cold?
He's asleep.
He's like an annoying little brother.
Here goes.
Let him be.
Let's give him a weird suntan so he'll look like Black Jack.
What's funny about that?
Hey.
Covering your face is cheating.
You should let him sleep.
Stop it, please.
Ouch!
You're enjoying this!
I can see the smile there. You're enjoying it.
-Ms. Maki, why are you helping him? -I'm sorry.
You're loving this.
SEIWASOU APARTMENTS
I'm sorry.
This one's important.
That's a relief. It's okay.
It's cute, eh?
Yes.
Put it back.
Wrong place. On the side.
Turn it around.
Turn it around. It's back to front.
Yep.
That's it.
Thanks.
Want some?
-Sorry? -Wanna eat some?
No, I'm full.
-It's mackerel. -No, thanks.
Thank you.
What the hell?
Take a look.
"New Year's Eve Comedy Countdown." They're having an audition?
It's the "all-star game" of comedy.
We know! We can audition for it?
I've gained a bit of clout in the comedy industry lately.
Thank you. We'll make a new routine for it.
-New routine? -We gotta do what we gotta do.
"Pre-Opening Act"... It's for the warm-up?
Boys...
Careers are built from the ground up.
It may be the warm-up act, but if you get it,
it'll give you exposure to people really into comedy.
-Right? -Yep.
"If you want to have sex,
you must love the girl."
Wisdom from the god of porn, Taka Kato.
-Exactly. -That quote...
How powerful!
We'll do it. With a new act.
We will get our first ever end-of-year gig!
Okay. I'll make a good one.
-I expect a strong act. -A strong one.
Hey, Mr. Speedy. Pull over.
Stop!
Drink up.
Thank you.
Let's try it.
-Can I hold onto this? -Sure.
Any parts you find difficult?
I think I can do it.
Let's stop if I get stuck.
-Hello, we're Sparks. -Please enjoy the show.
-Wanna hear my No.1? -What is it?
-Motorcycle cop. -Motorcycle cop?
I want to drive around on a cool bike making sure everyone drives safely.
That's a cool job.
-Hey, you, pull over! -Damn, it's a motorcycle cop.
-Pull over and get off your Labrador. -I'm not riding a Labrador!
PRE-OPENING ACT AUDITION
-Is it a poodle? -It's neither.
-A sausage dog? -I'd have to squat.
Don't make me squat. I'm not on a dog. I'm on the road. See?
-Hey, you, pull over! -Damn, it's a motorcycle cop.
-Quit doing the Guess-Which-Hand thing. -Guess-Which-Hand thing?
Guess-Which-Hand?
What's illegal about doing that game anyway?
Guess which hand holds...
-Guess which hand holds amphetamines. -Amphetamines?!
Is this a nightmare?! If so, please wake me up!
I'm not holding drugs. It's the handles.
-You're not a dealer? -I'm on a bike.
-Hey, you, pull over! -Damn!
-You, on the bike, pull over now! -It's a motorcycle cop!
Come to a stop!
Say something!
This is a nightmare! I want to wake up!
-Wake me up! -You're awake.
The cop says something.
Thanks, guys.
It's nothing new.
You need to add more jokes. Speed it up.
Betray the audience's expectations... Or it's pretty tough.
I mean...
Your act sounds false.
Sorry.
Um...
What was your act about?
Well...
A motorcycle cop who pulls someone over.
It was better than your last act.
Thanks.
-Who's next? -Ahondara.
-Take a break? -No, let's get it done.
Sure thing.
Next up is Ahondara.
Thanks.
Hey.
Don't stop halfway through like that. Judges get tired, too.
-Of course that baldy wouldn't get it. -Baldy?
-He's bald. What's with him? -He's not that bald. And our first--
-He is bald. -No, he's not.
-What's your problem? -Our New Year's Eve is on the line.
The guy with the short sleeve vest said we were kinda funny.
Don't look so shitty.
-Are you a wolf? -A wolf?
You're a wolf.
No other young comedians pick fights with the judges.
They'd have to be a wolf. You're a wolf!
-Shut up. -You're a wolf.
What's with you?
Wait a minute...
-It's funnier that way. -Okay. Whatever. Just do it.
-Wait! -What?
Are you prepared to laugh for three days straight?
Yeah.
-No, you're not. -I am.
Can you really cope with laughing for three days, non-stop?
Even if your parents die.
All smiles. You can do that?
-Yeah, no problems. -No problems? Your parents are dead!
You should be ashamed!
That's not what I meant. Just do it.
He's asleep!
What do you want?
Sorry.
I thought we'd do our new act "He's Asleep" next time.
That's your act's title? You guys are confusing.
The act was premature. Now it's in the sewer.
Do you wanna take a break from the industry?
Good idea. My fake illness is flaring up.
I've had enough. Thank you.
Get outta here.
-What a crap audition! -Cut it out.
Lady, can we go home?
Get out.
-Next up, "Chinese Food All The Way." -Thank you.
Make a funny face for me.
Leave him alone.
-That's average. -Let him be.
Humor me.
That's funny.
But I'm funnier.
Who's coming for a drink?
Who'd go with you?
What's their problem? Time for a drink!
Mr. Kamiya.
-I'll join you. -Wanna go to Harmonica Alley?
Where's your bag?
-Go get it. -Got it.
-Yellow. Can you fly with that? -I can't.
If you're a comedian, fly!
Fly on forever!
I always loved reading books.
I see.
When I was in elementary school, we would go to the library.
The other kids all wanted to read picture books and Barefoot Gen.
But I read biographies about the greatest people in history.
Biographies. I should have guessed.
Know who Inazo Nitobe is?
He's...
the guy on the 5,000 yen bill?
He was a real troublemaker, too.
What did he do?
-I forget. -You forget?
But I remember I was impressed.
I'll read it.
Know who Inazo Nitobe is?
He was
the guy who made the 5,000 yen bill?
The greatest people in history all did pretty amazing things.
But on a personal level, they were pretty stupid.
Ever since I was a kid, I thought:
"Everyone would be impressed if there was a biography about me."
The night I promised to write your biography
I bought a pen and notebook.
They cost more than I'd usually pay.
You are stupid.
You should've bought the cheapest
and made it worth 100 times more.
You're right.
Are you going home for New Year's?
Nope. I don't have enough money.
And you might be on the New Year's Eve Comedy Countdown.
Come to my place for New Year's.
Maki said she wants to see you.
Know who Inazo Nitobe is?
The 5,000 yen bill guy.
Correct.
He said he'd call around lunchtime.
If we got the act.
But you heard him, too.
"It was better than your last act."
-You heard him. -The other one was asleep.
-Have they called yet? -No.
It's freezing out here.
Why don't you come in?
I get a rash when I go near tatami mats.
What's with her?
INCOMING CALL "HYUGA AGENCY"
It's Mr. Ogata.
Hello?
Yes? New Year's Eve?
Yes? Yes. Of course we can.
Okay. Thank you. See you then.
We didn't get it.
We're invited to the Hyuga Agency end-of-year party.
It's time I went.
I'll walk you there.
May I?
Tell me what went wrong?!
What was wrong?
Okay, I'm coming.
See ya.
That was a shame.
Yeah.
Better things will come next year.
Thanks.
-Any plans for New Year's? -My parents are taking us to Hawaii.
Are you already over it?
I'm dying inside.
Make me feel better.
What can I do?
I think you know.
-Who's a good boy? -I'm not a child.
I'm an adult. You know what I mean.
You want to do something fun?
Over and over again.
Come again?
Over and over again.
Have you ever been tied up?
What are they?
Next year, I hope you all make even more progress.
That you all become big.
I truly do.
And we have some big news for next year in television.
Our biggest star, Mr. Tokuma, will be in a new show:
"The Happy Bus Trip."
"The Fun Bus Trip."
Whatever it's called.
It's a new weekly show.
Let's all take a ride on that.
Now it's time to drink. Are you ready?
Cheers!
-Cheers! -Let's make it a good one.
-Delicious! -Have some more.
Yes, I will.
Attention, everybody!
What is it?
Ta-da!
-It's Mr. Tokuma. -And his "Fun Bus Trip"!
Mr. Tokuma's so cute!
Think of failure as ammunition for your act.
Give it your best.
I went through a lot to get you that audition.
-Sorry. -We're really sorry.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Mr. Tokuma sent us the pure rice extra special brew sake "Tokuma."
We can't bring in the New Year without this!
-Is that expensive? -Hang that up.
What's this?
I thought Sparks couldn't make it tonight.
Did we say that?
Don't play dumb.
I was looking forward to the New Year's Eve Comedy Countdown.
Great English pronunciation there. "Countdown."
Know what's wrong?
Tokunaga's not drunk enough!
Yamashita!
Thank you!
No way! Yamashita can drink!
-He can. -Why can't you?
-Didn't you want to talk with Reika? -I do.
-It's my lucky day. -It is your lucky day.
-It's okay? -Excuse us!
I found someone who wants to talk with Reika.
Yeah?
I'm at work.
It's okay. But I gotta go back soon.
That sounds nice, but...
I can't get home this year either.
No, I'm fine.
There's no need to worry.
We passed this audition a little while back.
You know the New Year's Eve Comedy Countdown?
Hanshin Kyojin are on it. We're on it, too.
No, we're not the warm-up act. We got a proper slot.
It's okay. We've got a lot of bookings.
I'm okay.
Sorry, sis. They're calling us. I gotta go.
Yep.
Yeah.
Tell Mom and Dad not to worry either.
-No touching. -I won't.
-Promise? -I won't touch them.
I'll get close, but I won't touch them.
You touched them!
-You hit me with the corner! -The corner of the box?
You don't get to molest in the industry?!
Boss!
Thank you for the past year.
-I'll see you again next year. -Thank you.
Have a nice New Year.
You, too.
HAPPY NEW YEAR WE'RE CLOSED UNTIL THE 3RD
"I'm not riding a Labrador."
"Is it a poodle?" "It's neither!
I'm on the road. See?"
"Hey, you, pull over!" "Damn, it's a motorcycle cop."
"Stop doing Guess-Which-Hand." "Guess Which Hand? I'm not.
What's illegal about doing that game anyway?"
"Guess which hand holds amphetamines."
Which is it?
Amphetamines?
Show me your hands.
I'm clean.
Would you accompany me to the police station?
This way.
It's New Year's Eve. What were you doing?
Let me have your bag.
I was practicing my act.
Ouch.
Thank you.
So, you're a comedian?
Yeah.
It's the New Year's bell.
So...
Do you have any gags?
No, I don't really do gags.
You don't...
Sorry.
So, the year ends...
2002 NEW YEAR'S DAY
Shall we?
How long are you praying for?
Hey! Hurry up!
Sorry for the wait.
Two of these, please.
That will be 1,200 yen.
-Can I have a fortune slip, too? -Certainly. One hundred yen.
Open it.
-How will this year be? -Here goes.
I got a "Little Lucky."
You won't tie it to a sacred tree?
Today's special. I'm keeping it.
But "Little Lucky" isn't one you would usually keep.
But isn't "Little Lucky" cute? It sounds like a boy's name.
"Little Lucky"?
It sounds like a stupid kid with a runny nose.
Don't say that about my Little Lucky.
Little Lucky has snot all over his face and he licks the swings.
Little Lucky bangs his dick on the corner of the sandbox.
Am I right, Tokunaga?
I don't know.
He just laughed at Little Lucky.
-You are so mean! -I didn't laugh.
Yes, you did. Apologize to Little Lucky.
-You just like that phrase "Little Lucky." -Little Lucky.
-I'm not Little Lucky.
-Little Lucky's fly is always open. -It sure is.
Be careful. You okay?
Ouch!
Are you okay?
Wow.
It looks delicious.
Onion.
Deep-fried tofu.
Mushroom.
Meat.
Minced fish.
And...
Soup.
Eat up!
Don't wait for me.
Okay.
Thanks for this.
Meat.
Soup.
What's wrong?
You don't like kimchi?
Don't force yourself.
Is it too spicy?
It's not that.
-What is it? -Want some water?
It tastes the same as Mom's.
Don't make it so dramatic!
-But it's different. -Make up your mind.
It tastes better than Mom's.
You should've said, "It tastes exactly the same."
Eat up.
Thank you.
Get your glasses ready.
Got them?
Cheers!
Nice try with the flattery, but all hot pots taste the same.
And it's ready-made. She got on sale at the supermarket.
Are you okay?
I'm fine. Sorry.
But...
This is...
At first, the kimchi spice gets your nose,
but then the vegetables, meat and mushrooms make it mild--
Can I give you a hand?
Your job is to eat.
Thanks.
How did your audition go?
Mr. Kamiya is funny.
Maki.
Are the dumplings ready?
Yep. Just a minute.
Can I say one thing?
In my case...
Actually, in Mr. Kamiya's case...
If he can get a laugh,
no matter how violent or lewd it may be,
he's not afraid to say it.
-So? -That's how you are.
But in my case...
No matter how clear my act's direction is,
if a dirty joke pops up halfway through,
I would give up altogether.
If it's funny, it's funny.
No, I must disagree.
Anyway, that's just me.
That's how my mind works.
Do you understand?
Tokunaga, eat up.
Thank you.
Why are you cross-eyed?
So, I was talking about dirty jokes--
Dumplings!
It's not funny. Really.
If you keep doing them,
even unfunny things start to become funny.
Tokunaga.
It's not funny.
She's not funny? You're starting to laugh.
It's so unfunny.
You're laughing.
Tokunaga.
You're laughing your pants off.
What's she doing?
Are you gonna admit defeat?
Did you lose to my final weapon?
I lose.
Rock-paper-scissors!
See that? You've got paper for brains.
Go to the store, paper-brains!
A jumbo chocolate ice cream and two short Hopes.
-Two it is. -I'll go.
-No, you're our guest. -But...
I've got it.
-Okay. -Thanks.
-I'll be back. -Take care.
Oops, I nearly forgot.
This is a present for you. Don't forget it.
-You shouldn't have. -I'll be back.
She's so kind.
I'll go with her.
You didn't have to.
I lost at rock-paper-scissors, too.
Thanks.
He's never brought anyone else back.
He always talks about you.
When he's with you, he really looks happy.
Huh?!
You look like a really poor newlywed couple.
What are you talking about?
I forgot to tell you something.
Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.
I wonder what will happen this year.
It will be a great year.
She knows what to say.
-May it be a great year. -Make it a great year.
Kamiya's biography - part 2
From New Year's Day, 2002
"Kamiya and Maki"
Today I paid a visit to a shrine with Kamiya and Maki.